I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
