She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
it's great music for shaving your balls
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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