don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
