This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you didnt know i had herpes?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
