Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
