In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
