oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
