my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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