i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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