Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
