I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
