No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just high enough for therapy.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
