There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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