Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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