I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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