My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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