you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
