My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
