seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
