where am i from again
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
