I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
