I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
