Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
