remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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