I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
