if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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