Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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