Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
