Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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