So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
