i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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