Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
