I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
