whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Are my feet made of real feet?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
