She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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