i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
