last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
