god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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