get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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