They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
