I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
