Pants 0. Shit 1.
my phone needs a breathalizer
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
