The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
