So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
