Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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