the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Randomize
