just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
