Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Randomize
