No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
