Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
