How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
