atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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