I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
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