Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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