Apparently you make a good broom.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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