Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I think I sprained my soul last night
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
