This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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